How Do Mediators Handle Parties With Unrealistic Expectations?
Mediator Experts
How Do Mediators Handle Parties With Unrealistic Expectations?
Navigating the tricky waters of mediation requires more than just patience; it demands a deep understanding of human psychology and legal frameworks. This article delves into the strategies used by seasoned mediators to manage parties with unrealistic expectations, featuring insights from authorities in the field. It's an essential read for anyone involved in conflict resolution, providing actionable advice to foster empathy, set clear expectations, and guide disputing parties towards achievable solutions.
- Encourage Empathy to Resolve Family Disputes
- Facilitate Healing Through Open Communication
- Set Realistic Expectations Early
- Guide Parties to Legal Realities
- Educate on Massachusetts Family Laws
- Listen and Build Common Ground
- Use a Structured Approach to Realign Expectations
- Empower Parties to Find Their Own Solutions
- Utilize Reality-Testing Techniques
- Demonstrate Risks to Set Practical Goals
Encourage Empathy to Resolve Family Disputes
In every mediation, one or both parties come in with unrealistic expectations. The key to overcoming their divides is to help each party to put themselves in the shoes of the other.
I was once involved in a mediation between a brother and a sister arguing about their summer house, which they owned 50% each. The sister wished to retain the house for her family's use over the summers but had no money to take over the other half - whatever the price - from her brother. The latter was willing to give his sister the entire house property at a price completely out of the market.
Both parties had a strong interest in solving their dispute as the summer house had been an issue for several years since the death of their father, heavily affecting also their relationship with their mother, with repercussions on their children and loved ones. This was indeed their only common ground.
I invited both parties to put themselves in the other party's shoes and then consider the chances of their respective position ever materializing in the short or the long term. This eventually opened the door for both parties to consider an offer by a third party to buy the property, which none of them would have even considered before the mediation process. By working together, they could ultimately negotiate a price higher than the one offered initially, acceptable to both.
It was a delight to see the brother and sister - who had barely spoken to each other in previous years - also working together to solve the technical problems related to the property sale in the implementation phase of the mediation agreement.
Facilitate Healing Through Open Communication
This is the case of an older father regretting his decades-long estrangement from his adult daughter after he and her mother had divorced. As the end of his life came into view, he was especially sad to not have a relationship with his grandkids and his daughter. Remarkably through our mediation conversation and their vulnerable sharing, they were able to move beyond the decades of hurt and disconnection. At first, I believe he had the sense that all would automatically be forgiven and behind them after the conversation. With my bringing up the matter of trust to repair the rift, they openly spoke of it and made plans for regular visits and changing certain behaviors that allowed the healing and renewal of their relationship. This is a testament to the power of mediation to heal even the deepest wounds and restore broken bonds when people are willing to face the past openly and take steps to nurture the future.
Set Realistic Expectations Early
No one gets everything they want in mediation, but the goal is to resolve the problem. I explain at the beginning of a mediation that no party will get what they want or what they think is fair in the mediation. Instead, they should focus on what they can accept and move on from the problem. I first listen to what the parties need to say. People want to be heard. I will then point out in a strong but respectful way that their case does not support their expectations. I have found that most people will listen although there are times that they will not. I respond to the party's questions and concerns. If a person does not move from unreasonable expectations, I will meet with the attorney alone. Sometimes it is the attorney that is the problem and they need to be educated on the law and recoverable damages. I will request that the attorney discuss the matter alone with their client. Usually this will take care of the issue.
Guide Parties to Legal Realities
When dealing with a party who may have unrealistic expectations, I first have the party communicate their expectations out loud. I do not interrupt them while they are speaking, but simply listen. When they are finished, I then repeat back to them what they said so they know I have not just listened to them but heard what they communicated. I never tell them they are wrong because from their POV, their expectations look realistic. Instead, we walk through the statute and the laws together discovering how the law defines their situation. I then repeat what they have said point by point as we compare it to the law. Through this journey, I assist the party as they reevaluate their expectations now looking at the situation from a different perspective.
Educate on Massachusetts Family Laws
Many individuals and couples come to me with the expectation that they have "legal rights" to certain outcomes. Since I am a family lawyer, they expect me to act as a judge to apply the laws to their situation. What they don't realize is that Massachusetts family laws, with the exception of child support calculations, offer almost no practical, concrete guidelines. Division of assets, which may or may not include premarital assets, must be "fair and equitable," but nowhere is that defined in the laws. There is a calculator that specifies thresholds that alimony should not exceed, but alimony is not presumptive, and the laws give no practical, concrete guidance on whether there should be alimony at all or how much it should be, relative to the maximum limit if there is alimony.
What this means is that I must a) educate them about the mushy nature of MA family laws, 2) suggest to clients the large range of outcomes that judges, who have considerable discretion, might specify in a contested case, and 3) encourage the couple to feel empowered to come to agreements that they themselves find fair and reasonable.
Listen and Build Common Ground
Usually "unrealistic expectations" are directly connected to emotions. How many times do we hear the words, "I only want what's fair"? However, the party has no idea that what's fair in their mind is unrealistic. I find the best approach is to first spend time listening to their concerns and interests. People can't make logical decisions when they're emotional, so they need to know you listened and they were heard. Then, I start asking questions to get them in the mindset of option building and being able to make decisions. Hopefully as the mediator I will then be able to find commonality, which will start the framework towards a resolution.
Use a Structured Approach to Realign Expectations
I use a three-step approach when working with an individual with unrealistic expectations. First, I acknowledge their expectations, emphasizing their value for the individual, even if they may not be entirely practical. Next, I share insights into how similar situations unfold, hoping to help the individual see common outcomes. Finally, I guide them to consider the other party's perspective by identifying possible challenges or opportunities for compromise. This process generally helps to realign their expectations so we can work within a framework that makes the conversation more constructive.
Empower Parties to Find Their Own Solutions
Conflicting parties sometimes unrealistically expect that mediators come to the table with ready made answers that will solve all their problems. Without a doubt, methods that aim to give ready made solutions, that only some or all are expected to follow and agree upon without being truly heard first, would not result in effective or lasting change that is needed. A key principle in restorative mediation and solution oriented methods are alike: the best and most effective solutions are found within the community. The conflicting parties are the experts and owners of their conflicts. They are thus in essential roles when finding lasting solutions that work and provide the best result for their own work community. Let your clients know from the very first session on that they will be actively participating in solving their own conflicts. Aid them to find answers through coaching questions designed to give insight to their wishes and hopes on what kind of possible solutions are out there to solve their conflicts. Being truly heard and appreciated throughout the mediation process always gives some results. Even if parties don't always achieve the best desired outcome, a small change in the desired direction is always better than no change at all.
Utilize Reality-Testing Techniques
During one mediation, a party entered with the expectation that they'd walk away with a settlement far beyond what was realistic given the circumstances. Rather than dismiss their expectations outright, I began by actively listening to their concerns and asking open-ended questions to understand why they felt their desired outcome was fair. Once I had a clearer picture, I used reality-testing techniques. I presented similar case outcomes, shared data to provide context, and gently walked them through potential scenarios if the issue proceeded without resolution-like prolonged costs and risks. By framing the conversation around their goals and showing how a more realistic settlement could still meet their needs, they began to shift their perspective. Ultimately, the key was patience and empathy. People want to feel heard. Once they do, they're often more willing to adjust their expectations to align with practical outcomes. This approach led to a resolution that both parties found fair.
Demonstrate Risks to Set Practical Goals
Once, I worked with a senior client who assumed we could refactor an entire legacy system in one quarter.
I saw the plan as risky.
First, I arranged a demonstration of the current code issues, for example, modules that hadn't been updated in years. Next, we walked through a risk matrix that showed potential downtime, data errors, and missed deadlines.
The client realized the scope was bigger than expected. We compromised on a phased rollout. That approach balanced the need for new features with steady progress.
As a result, the client's original view shifted toward a more practical stance.
